Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"decisions and a dream"
2001-01-28~00:38:29

Here is what I wrote on one of my ttc lists. I figured I would just copy it here as it told what I have been thinking the last couple days...
<< I have come to some decisions. I am tired of this 50mg of Clomid and it not doing a thing. So now thatI'm on day 45, I'm finally giving up and takingPrometrium to start AF. I bought a pg test tonight and will take in the AM just to be sure. (note*It was negative) Then I thinkI'm going to talk to my RE about me taking a fewmonths to work on losing weight and getting more in shape and take the glucophage more and see what it does. Also I want to see if there is something I needto be taking (estrogen or something?)to make sure I am having enough female hormones. I just feel like I'm not right and I'm emotional and all. So I want to take a couple months of not taking any infertility meds and focus on weight and getting my body levels ok. Then I want to tell the RE to do whatever it takes. Don't take the baby steps, do what is going to work for me to get pg and go full force into it when school lets out. Then I have no other worries and I can go up to Augusta and stay if I need to while I'm getting monitored. Of course Dh will have to keep coming up there to provide the important part! :) If it means IVF or if it just means injections and IUI. Whatever it takes just do it and I'll deal with the bills when they come. Then if that doesn't work, I'll finally release myself and let God take control of my body.I keep having this recurring dream that I've had for years! It is a dream where I'm in a car and I'm in the back seat and the car is driving but no one is at the wheel! I realize I'm in trouble and I'm either going to wreck or something and I'm trying to figure out how to get in front to brake the car or turn the wheel or something. I struggle and I never make it to the front of the car. But I never wreck either. The dream just dissolves without an end. I'm never hurt or wreck. I talked to DH about it and I realize that God is the driver of my car and that is why I don't see anyone, since you can not see God. And that he is in Total control of my life, but I keep trying to get up there to interfere with it! I think I have to be in charge of the car, and I never make it up there because he is there and trying to tell me to back off, he has it under control and I will not be injured. So I'm realizing this may be God's way of telling me to let go and let Him take control and stop trying to be in charge all the time! So that is one of the main reasons I'm making the decision to wait a few months and not rush things. >>>
Goodnight
Kim

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