Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"moods...."
September 14, 2001~9:19 p.m.

I still don't know what I'm feeling today. I still have a dark sadness deep down that is fighting to get out. This morning did not go well. From horrible stomach cramping that had me in the bathroom (yeah, I know, pretty picture), to my break down in teh shower. I don't know if it istress or my glucophage but I've visited the toilet an awful lot the last couple days.
Then I jump in the shower because I know I'm going to be late to work. I mean, geeesh, I have to rush myself in the morning off the toilet so I can get to work. This weeks word of the week in our school system is punctuality. Which I am not! Buthey, I may not get there early, but I don't mind staying late. Which I did today, even thought it was Friday.
ANyway, I'm in the shower and I start weeping. I don't know why. Mainly I am thinking over and over in my head if there is any way I can tell people in my women's group what I'm going through. I'm trying to talk it over in my head. I'm trying to think of the words I would say. I wonder if I should talk to my youth pastor and his wife tomorrow at our workshop. I want to say something, but...I don't want to cry. I don't want to steal the pregnant ladies joy. I don't want them to think they "can't" talk about it in front of me. But then again, I don't want them to talk about it in front of me. Know what I mean? It is like they have no idea what is going on in my personal life. I know this is one of the most happiest times in their lives, and yes, I'm jealous that I'M not the one talking about maternity clothes and sonograms. But I don't want to be this person that every time I walk in the room they get quiet. They all get hush-hush so as not to upset me. I don't want them walking on egg shells. But I don't want them talking like that without knowledge of what I'm going through. I am almost to the thought that after next weeks end of this bible study book, if we decide to continue, I might not want to. To just lay low.
Then I think that I lvoe this group of couples. But sometimes I still feel distant, like I'm not a part of them. Then I think, I know our church is in dire need of someone to teach a single's class, preferably a couple. ANd Tim and I have mentioned it to each other. Are we the ones that should lead it? Is that what God is calling us to do? But are we worthy enough to do that? Can we do it? Are we Godly enough, do we pray enough, do we know our Bible enough? Can we lead it effectively. I know that just in our relationship and everything that we can be a role model for them, but do we have what it takes? What does God want from us?
*~*~*~*~*
So this evening, they canceled the High School football game. It is rescheduled for Monday night. That will be different. I gues it si good for us to stay home tonight. To reflect. I did light my candle and took it on the porch, but the wind blew it out. I stuck two in the side windows and I put the other in the front window. A few others in our neighborhood did it also. American flags and red, white and blue ribbons are on display back here in our part of the circle.
I had a headache earlier and feel asleep on the sofa. I feel bad because I've made a boring night for Tim. And i'm irritable for some reason and I don't mean to take it out on him. The dog jumped in my face and hit my eye and it irritated me. Then it just so happened that Tim was throwing the lamp Beanie Baby for him to catch, nto realizing it was a good one iwth a tag. Well it doesn't have a tag anymore. I guess it is worthless now. NOt that we ever sell them anyway. Oh well. It is not that important. Why am I so moody?
Tomorrow I have a day workshop to go to at one of the baptist churches. It is from 9-4. It is for teachers. I hope to learn a lot from it. Either way, it will get me up for the day so I won't waste it.
Shack it off girl. Get yourself together. It must be hormones coming on!!!

Yesterday ~*~ Tomorrow

~*~Did ya miss somethin'?~*~

clothes - March 13, 2009
day off - February 16, 2009
don't hurt - February 09, 2009
rain - August 23, 2008
catching up - February 16, 2008

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