Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"sadness"
November 05, 2001~10:51 p.m.

I felt sadness last night as I drifted off to sleep. I felt sadness for not having a child, or being pregnant or even the prospect of becoming pregnant.
I felt sadness watching my Dad at the football game Friday talking to the little girls in front of us. One of them brings a book every week to read. Reminds me of me-a bookworm! They are the most adorable little girls ever! Well, Daddy is a sucker for a kid and brought them hats that he had in his car. It made me sad. I want to provide a granddaughter for him to spoil and dote on. He has always showered little girls with attention, kind of like he did me as a child. I guess that is why I was a Daddy's girl. I was spoiled by him. He misses me being a little girl.
I cried, knowing that my Dad is getting older and I want to be able to provide that little girl for him to spoil. The one that has little brown pigtails and big eyes and runs to Papa to hear a story. That knows Papa will give her anything her heart desires because she is his baby! I don't want my Daddy to not know that. I don't want to not know that. I want to know what it is like to have that little girl of mine that I've dreamed of for so long.
I asked Tim if he ever got sad. He said he is sad that I get upset. He said that he knows God will answer us when the time is right. Why can't I have that faith?
I told him I can't stop being jealous of others when I hear they are pregnant. I can't look a pregnant woman in the face without looking down in shame. I can't congratulate a woman who tells me they are pregnant. I get sad when I see babies and kids and wish they were mine. I get angry when I see kids neglected and not being raised properly and wish I could take them myself. I get sad at so many things. I try to hold it inside. I try not to react. I try to keep busy. But it is still there. I still have that deep dark hole inside that remains to be filled. That deep dark hole that hurts and aches and sobs where no one can see it but me.

Yesterday ~*~ Tomorrow

~*~Did ya miss somethin'?~*~

clothes - March 13, 2009
day off - February 16, 2009
don't hurt - February 09, 2009
rain - August 23, 2008
catching up - February 16, 2008

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