Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"I just don't get it"
June 30, 2005~2:06 p.m.

Ok, I just don't get it. I don't understand how certain people are so negative about us adopting from Chin@. I was talking to DH about it today at lunch. I had a Dr.'s appt this morning to check bp from some meds he had me on. This is my female dr by the way. He knows I have a history of pc0s and infertil!ty. He knows I can't have children. I had not told him about us adopting, but I had told the NMW at my earlier visit in May when I went in to help get my cycles regulated. She adopted a son 18 years ago and had told me that last summer. She encouraged me to adopt then. When I told her we were adopting from China last month, she was so excited and told me that her son is just like her own flesh and blood and she is excited that we are going that route. She asked some questions about it. That is why I like her. She gets personal and also lets you know about her.
So today I only saw the dr. He is well known for being brunt. Or at least that is the way I feel. Everytime I have come to see him, he is to the point, no emotions, sit at his chair and not even look at you, look at your file and not the person kind of guy. The only reason I don't mind going is that I know I can see one of the female NMWs and they are very nice. And I don't have many choices in town. There is one huge office and I can't stand the people in there. I've had bad experiences with the ultrasound techs there and the dr's there. It feels like you are cattle being herded in to the office. The other office in town with a female dr. I would not go to if it was the last one in town. She is secretly nicknamed the "baby k!ller" _i know horrible, but it is true. She has had many babies die after delivery from incorrect use of forceps and other procedures. She has messed up mom's inside by not finishing up on them properly to wear they are put in the hospital. Anyway, it is awful in her office. She has already been kicked out of the main hospital here.
So I really don't have much choice. Anyway, today while I was in the exam room, I told him we were going to China to adopt a baby in Sept. and that I would like to know if I could skip my green pills in my packet so that I could skip that cycle while there and not have to deal with all the mess that goes along with a cycle. He asked me where we were going again. I told him. HE asked if we were using an agency to adopt. I told him yes. He asked if it cost money. I mean ... of course. I told him yes, it was not cheap. Then he said "I just don't understand it when there are so many children here in America." All this being said while his back is to me and he is looking at my chart. Not even looking at my face.
I sighed as I had heard this a couple of times before. Unfortunately the other times I have heard this have been from persons of the same color that he is. I am not lumping people together, but of the people I have told, the ONLY people that have reacted with shock or dismay as to why we were going overseas when there were babies here have all been of color. Now there is a lady at our church that is happy for us, but then again, she did ask if we had given up on our local D FCS office.
So anyway, when he asked this, I told him that we had done foster care this past year and had three kids all sent home. I told him it wasn't that easy to adopt here and that we at least know that when we adopt from China, no one will take our baby away from us. He said he figured FC was hard to do. I told him yes it was and that I could not deal with it emotionally when they took them away.
I just don't get it. I really don't. I mean never once said anything positive about it. I really hate to say it is only one race that says this, but from my experience it has been. Do they think that because we are not adopting an AA child that we are not open to it? Do they even know that having a child even available to adopt in our county is close to zilch? Do they realize that you can bump into the bparents and in most of these cases drugs are involved and the last thing I want to do is have a drug addict know where I live or see me in public with their child.
The other two cases where I had a similiar reaction was my coworker. When I told her, she gasped with a deep breath and asked why we wanted to do that. Like she was in shock. It took her a while to get used to it. When I told another teacher at work about it, she had the same reaction "China?!? Why China?" With shock and disbelief. It is really frustrating to hear this. If I was a person that cared about color, I would be going to a country that had children that looked like me. Russia or some place like that. I have heart for China. I have a special tenderness for these baby girls in China. I've wanted to adopt one years ago before I was even married. I had even mentioned it early in our marriage. I even mentioned it to my MIL. She said, and I remember, "I don't want no foreign grandbaby." This really hurt me and I never mentioned it again for years. I was like a stab in the heart because this was a dream of mine. Then we went through more years of treatments and wasting money on meds trying for a bio child and all the time that statement was in my head. When we talked about adopting, I asked DH how he felt about China. He was fine with it. I brought up what his Mom had said and he said she probably didn't mean it. She has a bad habit of speaking without thinking. I do love her, but she does hurt feelings by being brunt.
But I think it took us doing foster care for her to realize she can love a child even if there is no biological tie. After we started the process she did tell me that she knew she could love any child we adopted because she had fallen so much in love with all three girls we fostered. She loved them like her own and missed them so much. I think it took that to make her realize that love is more than blood. So I'm ok with her. Even though it is hard to forget that statement she made years ago. She probably doesn't even remember it.
BUt getting back to what happened today. I just don't get it. How can some people be so cruel?

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