Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"Cry me a river...."
April 30, 2002~10:46 p.m.

I finally met with my pastor this afternoon. You don't know how hard it was for me to make this meeting and go in there to pour out my heart to him. I am not good at telling things about my private life and especially to men. But I did. I couldn't even get past my first sentence without starting to cry. I really didn't know where to start. I just started telling him I wanted him to recognize all women on Mother's Day. That there will be some women out there that want a child and can't or is still trying or maybe this is not the time for them now but they desperately want to have children and it hurts to have all the present mothers stand and us to be left out. I told him I would not be at church on Mother's Day.
This was all through tears. I then told him about how long Tim and I had been trying (which he did not know about, of course) and how hard it is year after year to go through these emotions. How hurt I was last year to be left sitting in my seat. And I told him I KNEW he had no idea and it was not his fault and that is why I was coming to him now so it would not happen again.
He talked to me so much about it and was so kind. He is going to ask another couple in our church who went through this and adopted to call me. I already know them well as I actually am the only Non family member allowed to baby sit their daughter (since I know child and infant CPR). But they don't know what we are going through and I didn't know all they went through.
He also told me that he was going to make sure we had flowers for all women and the more he talked about it, the more he got into it and now he said he is going to say a special prayer for all infertile couples on that day. He talked to the lady in charge of education and she had already ordered enough flowers for everyone and is putting in the bulletin they are for Women of God, not for mothers only. She is the SIL of the woman I mentioned above and said she was there through all her heartaches and knows how hard it is. She also had a still born child and said she knows how deep the pain goes and that it is such a private pain also.
The pastor urged me to go to church on MD because as he sees it, this is the devil trying to defeat me and keep me away. I always thought of it as some punishment. I should know better because God is a loving God, not a hurtful God. But he told me the devil is trying to get to my emotions, trying to stir up these feelings of envy, jealousy, bitterness towards pg women and babies until one day I will be so bitter towards them that I will want to have nothing to do with them. I told him I'm already getting that way. He felt I needed to face it, although the Ed. minister said she understand how hard it is and it is difficult to be there.
I still am stuggling at what I want to do that day. I have the option also to go with my mother to church. But now that I know he is going to say a special prayer I hate to not to be there. But I told him I don't want people watching me and see me cry.
He urged me to also tell my SS class so they can pray for me. I told him there is no way I could tell the whole congregation but I feel ok with telling my class. I just am at the feeling that I don't want the WHOLE world to know. This is still such a private issue for me and I don't want people looking at me differently or treating me differently.
The Ed. Minister also said she had a prayer list for infertile couples and would add us to it. She assured me it was private and is kept confidential to only those that pray for the couples.
We ended by the pastor praying for me and for my husband. And he promised to continue to pray for us. The most moving thing was that during our meeting, even the pastor was crying with me.
I feel better telling him everything. I also have a tremendous headache from crying....

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clothes - March 13, 2009
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