Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"Zax, tops, and crying at Buffalos"
April 26, 2002~12:05 a.m.

We had a pretty good day today at school. I enjoy being able to take my kids out on Community Based Instruction. Today was teaching them how to order at Zaxby's! :) We met Tan's class there and had a good time. It wasn't too hot to eat on the deck so that worked out great since some kids are messy and loud. It is better to be outside. We took lots of pictures. I do that everytime our classes go out together. Next month we are going to a parks and rec celebration at pond nearby. It is about 20 miles south of here. I kind of hate going because it is stressful. Our bus is ALWAYS late and it is ALWAYS late picking us up and it is ALWAYS crowded and we have to sit too many to a seat, thus we are illegal with the code of how many can ride. I told the bus arranger that unless she arranges for another bus to help transport the kids, I don't want to go. It is not worth it. She promised she would. We will see....
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I lost 1 pound at TOPS tonight. I am now down 21 pounds. I'm happy about that. I woke up at 6 am to walk 30 minutes before work. I am going to try to do that more often. I'm still overwhelmed with my Treasurer duty, but I'm handling it. Once I get the hang of it, it will be easy.
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Tim and went to Buffalo's tonight after my meeting. It kind of got into a deep topic and I ended up crying at the restaurant. Good thing we were in a back booth.
The thing we were talking about was kids. We were looking at the pocket calendar I have and writing everything down. I told him I can't believe my Dr appointment is in a week and a half and that I was kind of nervous and scared about it. He told me that is why he wanted to be there with me, for support. He asked what I was scared about. I told him it was the fact that I'm scared of what he is going to tell me. Whether he is going to tell me there is not hope for me, or what.
I also told Tim that if Dr. N wants to go ahead and have me do something fertility wise (like shots or something) I have a feeling I might want to wait. I am going to ask him if he feels it is better for me to wait to lose weight first. I told Tim that I don't want to be an obese pregnant woman. I don't want to worry about gestational diabetes, hyper tension, and other medical problems. Much less worry about how fat I will look and how embarrassed I will be to go in for ultrasounds and how I will be labeled "high risk" mainly for my weight. I want to be in better shape so I will be comfortable. I want to feel good and have a happy pregnancy, not worried about swollen ankles and being out of breath.
Then this led to Tim asking me about adoption. I guess he forgot what we had talked about in the past. I told him No, I was not opposed to adoption, just that I feel like he said a while back, I want to try all our options first before trying for adoption. He couldn't remember ever telling me that. Anyway...
This led to me asking Tim if he felt he could live the rest of his life with just "us." Me and him. No kids in our family. He said he felt he could. That he loves me and he feels we have a good relationship and that we didn't "need" a child to make it complete, although he would LOVE to have a child, it would still be ok for him if it was just us two. So that made me cry because I guess I thought he wanted it as much as I did. I guess a woman feels differently about such things. I told him I felt like my life would not be complete without a child. It doesn't have to be biological. I have just always felt that God had a purpose in my life and that involved raising a child. That I was "meant" to have a child or raise a child and that is what I have to do in life to be complete. Not that my life with Tim is not great. It is wonderful. I love him and I could go on living with him and loving him for the rest of my life... just us two. But this motherhood thing was with me way before I met Tim, even as a child, I knew I would be a mother someday. It is just that a child or children would make our lives even more rich. That we could spread our love even further and deeper. I know we would be great parents. I know we would give our child love. So many people tell us that. That we will make great parents. I know that too. And I want God to give us a chance.
So during this in depth talk, when he was saying that he didn't feel the need to have a child like I do, it made me sad and I started crying. I was wiping my eyes with tissue. Then the waitress comes and says she is bringing my food out...they added tomatoes even though I didn't want them so they were re doing it. So while I'm crying I say "They always put tomatoes on my Kick 'n' Chicken Wrap, why do they always do that?" Just trying to make light of it to have an excuse for if she came back and I was crying. I was just trying to get myself to cheer up and not cry.
Oh wow, this has gotten long. But it has a lot of what I'm feeling on it. Gosh. What does my/our life have in store for us....?

Yesterday ~*~ Tomorrow

~*~Did ya miss somethin'?~*~

clothes - March 13, 2009
day off - February 16, 2009
don't hurt - February 09, 2009
rain - August 23, 2008
catching up - February 16, 2008

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