Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"don't know how I can keep going"
August 24, 2003~2:37 p.m.

Well, so much for me feeling like I'm ok with what I have. Now I'm in a sort of depressed state. Sunday School consisted of one couple with an 11 month old announcing they were pregnant again, another couple announcing they were having their first sonogram and another asking for prayer to keep her fluids down when she goes in for her gestational diabetes test this week. I'm glad I was sitting on the back row as I just went into a sort of numb feeling. I don't know how I can stop myself from feeling this way. I try to make myself feel happy for them or at least smile and act normal about it, but I can't. I don't know why. I get tears in my eyes, my head swims with other thoughts and I can't pay attention and I am just out of it and have this urgency to run from the room but I can't.
I really don't know why I get like that. Why can't I be happy or at least not react like that when hearing that type of news. Why can't I be ok with hearing the news instead of wishing that person didn't have that type of success or feeling like that person doesn't deserve it or should have it. I know I shouldn't but those feelings come through my head sometimes and I don't know why they can't be positive.
I keep thinking that I am a failure. My body is a failure. I am a failure as a woman because I can not procreate as God intended for man and woman to do. I will never have 9 months of anticipation waiting for a newborn in our home, planning a nursery, going to sonograms and seeing an outline of "our" baby. I will never lie in bed with my husband's hand on my belly, feeling our flesh and blood kick and move. Or to have him stand behind me and reach around me and feel my belly or to bend down to kiss my tummy and talk to our little one. I'll never have that. And I can't find a way to resolve myself that I will never have it. I don't know how to make myself accept the fact that our babies may only be fur babies and our extra bedrooms will always be guest rooms, gathering dust until someone comes to visit. Just closets used for storage, not baby items. The few baby clothes I have stashed in my closet will forever gather dust and they will never be worn.
I don't know how to come to terms with that fact.

Yesterday ~*~ Tomorrow

~*~Did ya miss somethin'?~*~

clothes - March 13, 2009
day off - February 16, 2009
don't hurt - February 09, 2009
rain - August 23, 2008
catching up - February 16, 2008

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