Grits & Eggs

Grits & Eggs

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"just pretend..."
January 18, 2004~10:32 p.m.

Tomorrow the girls are staying home. The other three kids at daycare are staying home so I hated to send only mine. So the babysitter will get a holiday as well, she deserves it! So I will do my grocery shopping with the kids tomorrow. We seriously HAVE to go shopping as we are about out of baby formula. I took two cans to day care a week ago to store there with extra bottles and diapers and now I wish I hadn't. I'm on my last can and that happened to be one that an angel sent me in the mail that came at the right time. I do have enough for the evening and tomorrow morning if I use the individual packets I bought for trips and emergencies. So tomorrow morning we are definately getting up to go grocery shopping to stock up on cans of formula for the hungry baby!
I was going to go to an outlet store with my friend nearby but I can't with the kids as their birthmom lives in that area and I'm afraid I will run into someone they know. It is so sad that I have to limit where we shop and go because of this. But I feel I need to protect them from unnecessary trauma and emotions.
Sister said all 4 verses for AW@NA tonight and earned her book and vest. I'm so proud of her and I told her I knew she could do it. She wore the vest all through the house. I can't wait until she starts earning patches for it. She soaks up so much information. She is smart!
I asked DH about the stroller system tonight. He said go ahead. Not that I wouldn't do it without him, but it is nice to at least make him think he had a decision in it. Just kidding. I've already transferred $200 into our account from eb@y and last month I transferred about that amount also so I think I've earned the stroller with all my uploading and shipping all this stuff on line. I might wait until Tuesday to get it though as the kids will be in day care and I can truely look and make sure this is the one I want. And DH is off that day and can come with me. It is also the day we go to sign for our car and have our date. What an awesome day it should be.
Something I really haven't talked about since church was over but I was a little, actually a lot, upset at church today. Today was the s@nctity of life day and they do a p@rade of all babie born in the past year. Ours would have been the last one on the list as she was born in December. I had asked the children's director about if we could list her in the bulletin and if so who's last name would be use and etc. etc. She said she felt we could do something for her at another time and make it something special if it turns our permenant and that this might not be the place. I didn't say much but ever since I've had my feeling hurt. I have had the concern about safety and people knowing who she is and someone might know the family and find out who has them, but since we are not near where they live I felt at least if we could walk up there with her and not even have her name in there it would be ok. But we couldn't. I didn't ask this morning and dressed her nice anyway, as she always is anyway. But I really didn't know it was going to hit me until we took her to nursery and then we went to church. I looked at the bulletin and saw all these names of babies except ours. There were some of people that haven't even been all year to church and weren't even there today but our baby was not on there. I knew she wouldn't but all I could think of was my baby was sitting in that nursery all by herself without any other babies and what it looked like and how she would have felt if she knew she was the only one left in there. I started crying and went through many tissues as they spoke and those parents who biologically gave birth to their kids stood up front and held their babies up for all to see and smiled for the camera and here I was sitting on the pew crying my eyes out. I have a baby in my home now but because she is not my blood and because she is not "ours" technically, she was all alone in the nursery. That though of her sitting there by herself and whoever was working in the nursery wondering why this one child was left all alone could not get out of my head. I'm tearing it up again just thinking about her all alone. It isn't fair to her that her birthmom didn't care for her safety and did this to her, not fair that she could not be celebrated because of what was done to her. She didn't ask to be born to her and in that situation.
It is like no matter what, I'm still hurt and baby things at church still hurt me. I don't know why. I guess because I am still not considered a "real" mom and never will be. And especially without a legal name to them, I'm really not and so why should I be considered a mom.
I wanted to run out of church so bad but Dh had sat up front so I couldn't. I hated that everone could see me cry. That is the worst feeling. Later in the service Sister's number flashed and I had to go check on her. She had gotten upset at another child for something and was crying. She ran to me and I picked her up and carried her to an empty room and just sat on the floor and rocked her and hugged her. After a few minutes she calmed down and rocked with me and was comforted. I'm glad I could at least give her the comfort that I would be there for her to ease her pain. I ended up talking her into going into the next age class which is her actual age and she agreed. She enjoyed that class better and so she will go there from now on. I'm glad I was able to get out of church for a whil though. It gave me some time to focus on her and not my tears.
It just seems like it will never be normal or real. That we will never be a mom and dad forever. Just pretend mommy and daddy for a while.

Yesterday ~*~ Tomorrow

~*~Did ya miss somethin'?~*~

clothes - March 13, 2009
day off - February 16, 2009
don't hurt - February 09, 2009
rain - August 23, 2008
catching up - February 16, 2008

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